Every bike I have owned in my adulthood has been stolen — from my porch in Orlando, from a palm tree in Hawaii, and now from my garage in La Jolla. I might as well start a non-profit, supplying the homeless, junkies and punk-ass kids with bike transportation.

Last night I fell asleep on the couch, tired from packing the house for moving back to Maui, and I forgot to close the garage door. Obviously my fault, but it happens. I woke up this morning and decided to take my new SUP board for a spin at Windansea. While moving stuff out of the way to get to my board in the garage, I noticed my bike was missing. At first, I thought it was just misplaced. I soon realized it had been stolen — again. Nothing else in the garage was taken, just my bike.

It got me thinking, why do people steal my bikes!? I’ll tell you, because they’re stealing their own getaway vehicle! It’s a low risk theft. Bikes are generally worth a decent chunk of change, but not enough to warrant the police actually spending their time to find it.

Since it’s happened enough times, I’ve come to notice a trend in my demeanor. For at least a few weeks after my bike is stolen, every person on a bicycle is the enemy. I’m ready to pounce on any unlucky soul riding a bike similar to mine. God forbid I actually see somebody on my bike. I will run them over, no hesitation. I almost tackled our 94-year-old neighbor this afternoon. She rounded the corner of my driveway with her rolling walker. I saw her out of the corner of my eye, thought it was somebody back to steal something else, and I was ready to kill!

The thing is, I’m not even a big bicyclist. I’m no Lance Armstrong (apparently he’s not either). I don’t wear the goofy spandex or have a hydration pack. I just like to cruise in to town, or to the beach from time to time. What really chaps my ass, is that I actually bought a decent bike this time around. A $400 Diamondback hybrid. You know, not amazing, but better than my previous beach cruisers from Target.

So I’m making a new vow. I don’t plan to spend more than $250 on a bike again. Because I’m probably buying it for somebody else.